Early September is the end of summer, and around İzmir, everyone clears out of Çeşme and goes back to school/work in the city. It’s also high-time for circumcisions (sünnet), as no boy between ages 3-11 wants to be the only kid in his school still rocking the hood!

In the last few weeks I’ve seen five weiner-snipping processions pass by, which involve a convoy of honking cars with people hanging outside of the windows like a Saudi Arabian drifting video. The little man of honor with the freshly cut little man is usually dressed in an outfit like this:

“Not now, mother, I’m busy ruling my realm.”

The little penis prince waves to everyone, and for the life of me, I could never seem to snap a picture in time. I didn’t want to sit and wait like a pee-parazzi, either, so just take my word for it. Circumcisions are increasingly common in hospitals, but the celebration and party remain. Group circumcision parties are also common, with families inviting almost everyone they know to the celebration. I bet the Evite template looks like this:

COME CELEBRATE ERDEM’S TRADITION TO MANHOOD! LET’S HOPE HE DOESN’T “LOSE HIS HEAD” IN THE EXCITEMENT! STARTS PROMPTLY AT NOON FRIDAY. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? CHOP CHOP!

–       Bismill-lop that skin off; I’m there!
–       Sorry, gotta cut ‘n run
–       I’ve got a bris later, but I might make it.

I think this picture has more of an “official” look, so I’d definitely include it in Evite:

“Bring me tea and a bag of ice, father!”

In fact, I have the dubious honor of remembering when I was circumcised. Being the eldest and the first Durgunoğlu to be born in the U.S., my parents wanted to give me the traditional trial by knife. For all they knew, they’d be moving back to Turkey after they wrapped up their grad school, so why not be as traditional as possible?

Topkapı Sarayı, 2013

SMASH CUT to me at five years old. I came to in a cold hospital room in Urbana, Illinois. There was another naked person, a grown man, laying supine ten feet away. Had I woken up in the pedophile Matrix? My penis hurt super badly, like I had just slept with Lindsay Lohan. I wish I were making this up.

But at least I didn’t ever have to wear this little number:

Jeeesus, this kid’s packing a serious sucuk!